New Post by Andhiii - 'Thoughts'

One of the perks/annoyances of studying Psychology is that it fucks with your mind. You think
a lot more than you ever did. Trying to analyse, observe, and understand human behaviour and
reasoning. Sometimes, it is fun but other times, you feel like Cyclops who is now learning to control
his flaming eyes without his fancy red sunglasses. And for a person like me, who, before studying this
subject thought a lot, my mind is in overdrive (that the right word, right?) and I think that might lose
it soon.

I’m done with University. Fours years of learning, presentations, projects, assignments, annoying
lecturers, failed quizzes, successful exams, emotional drama, drunken nights, tears and strife. I am
a deep, emotional child. Schooling in another man’s country with so many different people thrown
in my face at once, after being kept at home 24/7 most of my life, was a huge…err…issue. I’m home
now. All grown up, I think, about to turn twenty; waiting patiently for my graduation in September
and praying for an admission into Graduate School. (Ain’t nothing better than school after school.)

For those who know me well, I dislike staying at home. And staying at home means staying at home,
which means I don’t go anywhere and I am in the house everyday. Except Sundays and days when I
have to step out for official issues but since all my life is in Ghana, well most of it, I have little official
business here. And the worst thing to do for a person who thinks a lot is to put them in a situation
where they have to think more. Read a book? No. After spending four years reading Handouts,
and Textbooks and lots of other readable junk overnight, in the morning, all day, everyday; reading
has now become something I avoid but I’m getting back on the wagon now. I’m currently on Jane
Austen’s Sense and Sensibility. Even writing that used to be my pleasure and favourite form of

catharsis has become so boring and uninspiring that the thought of a Microsoft Word Page puts me
off completely. It makes me nauseated, weak and hopeless. I am in a sad state of despair (which is
why my putting up my Affairs posts is irregular but soon)

As a result of all these things, I, sometimes, just lay on my bed and think. To escape from this ‘mental
and emotional torture’, I decide to connect with the rest of the world, the only way I know how, The
Internet.

Let’s go back to last year. My grandfather passed away in October and was buried in December.
Now, I have lost friends, family members, family members of friends and friends of the family and
family members, but it had never really hit home as hard as it did when my grandfather passed
away. Now that you have a brief knowledge of how my brain works on a daily basis, you wouldn’t
fail to understand when I say that January was one of the most depressing and scary moments of my
life. If any amateur psychologist, like me, would desire to throw a name to that emotion, we might
call it, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but since I don’t completely fit the diagnostic symptoms, we
would just tag it as Sad.

Death had slapped me in the face, kicked me on the shin, and pissed me out. I was so depressed that
every day seemed like the day I was going to die. When I walked around, I could see and feel from
the corner of my eyes, a dark shadow waiting to grab me from behind but when I turned around,
it would fade away as quickly as smoke being blown away. If I didn’t feel death pulling me away,
it was pulling somebody I loved away from me. I felt, sometimes, that I could sleep and I wouldn’t
wake up again and, sometimes, during those days, it seemed the most satisfying of thoughts. I cried.
I couldn’t blame it all on my Grandfather’s death. I had been through a lot that past year and I’m

guessing the stress was now hitting hard. My parents, as almost every other Nigerian parent is,
were oblivious of my suffering and didn’t help matters with their harsh words at every silly mistake
I made in the kitchen. (I am very sensitive to words. Actions, they say, are heavier than words but
most times, your words are the only way to convey true feelings when your hands gestures fail
you. The tongue is a powerful tool for destruction and construction) Friends were far away in
another country or parts of this country and the only solace I had at that time was a TV screen, and
my brothers plus free internet. (My brothers did most of the work. Even if they didn’t know how
I suffered) but with time, it passed. I mean, I had my final semester to look forward to; I had MC-
ing gigs booked for events taking place that semester; Parties, drinking, my friends (who are more
like my family), results to check, I mean there was so much that was going to happen that I couldn’t
afford to let myself wallow away in my suffering. I laughed a bit more heartily now, and the dark
shadow didn’t appear so often anymore. I still see it sometimes (like yesterday). But before all these
progress happened, something happened to me.

Many churches call it Born again. I don’t. Not because I’m Catholic but because the words ‘Born
again’ just don’t seem to do it for me. I think re-accepting Jesus is much better. Now, you see, as
I type this I feel like a hoax, a hypocrite and like a bad person. Why? Because, I hear most of you
laughing, snickering, with remarks like ‘Oh, haven’t we heard that one before.’ And ‘Yes, after that
you would go back to doing the same thing again’ or ‘All these holier than thou people’ or some in
their head recalling times when I have fallen short. I can’t blame you. Even to myself, I sound like
shit. I don’t blame you completely because over time, these words have been used and abused;
even by those whom we trusted the most like our Pastors and Priests. That’s why I prefer to quietly
sit down and read my Bible alone or this new book I found with my Dad ‘My Daily Bread by the
Confraternity of the Precious Blood’ (I would advice everyone and anyone to find and purchase this
book).

I wasn’t born again. I just decided to admit the Truth and live for it and it alone. When I looked down
at my Grandfather’s dead body, lying lifeless and peacefully in that casket, I realized something.
Something that we all know but we have refused to admit, we have forgotten what matters. We
have forgotten that this life is basically like a POST-UME exam that admits the smartest of us all
into heaven. We get lured away by the many interesting offers of expo that we forget where we are
going.

‘No, I’m not colour blind. I know this world is black and white- John Mayer’

The way of the Lord is black and white. You are either good or bad. Not lukewarm, good sometimes
and bad later, 99% good and 1% bad because on that day, when we die and we stand in front
of the Lord, there is no way we can open our mouth to justify what we did or what mistakes we
have made. The Lord made us intelligent so we can be able to tell right from wrong so you can’t
do something wrong and say ‘but’. There are no such buts on that final day and it is dependent on
everything you do that counts.

‘Many admit they have faults. When however, any particular fault of theirs is pointed out to them,
they will immediately justify themselves- My Daily Bread’

I am very good at this and so are many of you. Now that my Granddad lay dead in that casket, where
was he? Where his soul bound? All these things on Earth that he had struggled for were all around

him and he took nothing of it. Not even one. We just put him in the casket, locked and placed him
six feet under and trust me, those six feet under is a really deep place. It is dark, scary and lonely.
I thought again, of what use is it if I suffer in this world, which is inevitable, and I die, which is
inevitable as well as and then I go to suffer again for eternity, where for Eternity we have the option
to choose where we want to go? There’s no point. I shouldn’t have been born in the first place.

I haven’t been to heaven before but I have felt its peace in my dreams. I haven’t been to hell before
but I have felt its horrors in my dreams and it is not pleasurable. To the Atheists and Non-believers,
think of this. Don’t you feel it is a win-win situation for you, if you believe and it turns out that he
exists and you also believe and he doesn’t exist? Either ways, you are happy. It isn’t like God is
preaching evil or murder or pain. Everything he speaks of is of peace, trust, hope, love, control and
care. Too deep an analysis of a subject can make you lose the point of it all. Like when a guy tells you
he can’t see you today because he is busy. If you think too much, he is cheating. Maybe he is just
busy with work. If things, all of us, went by the preaching of the Lord and the Bible, do you not think
that the world would be a lot more peaceful without so much trouble?

He said control your desires for when the time is right. Be content with what you have. Seek your
neighbour’s happiness. Love, hope, pray for strength and wisdom; for the gifts the devil offers are
greatly tempting.

‘My Child, all human beings are weak. Do not think that you are stronger than others. Circumstances
do not create the weakness of man. They simply draw it out and show what he really is. You must
be convinced of this fact. Your will is weak, and your blind human desires are strong. See how weak
you are! You confess your sins today, and tomorrow you commit the same faults again. You resolve
to be on your guard and an hour later you act as though you had never made the resolutions. You
are weak and unsteady. It is only right, then, that you should humble yourself and refuse to think too
highly of yourself. Your moods and attitudes change with the changing hours of the day. If only you
would turn to Me! I can help you rise above these changing moods. Let your heart turn to me and
find its rest in me- My Daily Bread’

After all these thoughts and knowledge, it would be stupid for me to continue in my old ways and
act like I never knew the truth, and it has been hard but I know what I am getting out of it in the end.
I have fallen a lot of times, but I get right back up and try to be stronger in my resolve.

Back to the Internet, of course, I would mention social networking sites, what else it is the closest
thing I have to human civilization and socialization these days, and the T.V. of course.

I sit in front of my laptop and scroll down my timeline, searching for humour, information, old
friends that I haven’t tweeted at in a while to converse with and such, but all I see is pain, hurt, pride
and anger. There are a few funny stuffs and interesting conversations though. Yes, call me jobless,
Miss I-prefer-to sit-back-and-criticize. You know the truth. I find it difficult to say what I feel openly
anymore, or share thoughts with you all because someone has something mean to say about it
or you, or it might become an issue for discourse and somebody else gets hurt in the process. We
rebel to break the rules but instead we place more rules on ourselves, and this time, that are more
complicated and outrageous than before. The simple things of life have become so difficult to enjoy.

Not just Twitter, even Facebook, Blogs and everything else. We all want to share our thoughts and
free our mind of the things that weigh us down and these sites are the closest things that we have
to a therapist these days. Trust me, I know. I feel that way a lot of times. But, I have come to realise
that, not all thoughts are to be shared for the effect that they would have on another.

My mother sometimes says that harsh words make a person stronger. No, they don’t. Not everyone
has such strong coping capacity and harsh words won’t make them grow. Some people are just
made to be soft, weak and sensitive and need a different approach to make them stronger. It is
not ‘Just Twitter’. It is not just Facebook or a blog post or BBM status. It is worth taking seriously.
They are words. They are actual thoughts that you can’t say in person for fear but you think about.
They matter. The rate at which children are dying these days from suicide as a result of cyber
bullying is growing.

I once read a person tweet saying ‘How can someone be that stupid that they would want to take
their own lives?’ I used to think that way too. Until, I felt it. Until, I studied it. It is dejection like no
other. A daily feeling of sadness multiplied by a million; like being dropped in the middle of the
ocean, too tired to swim and no land in sight or bird in the sky. It is hopelessness and despair. The
light flickers off and your prayers for death seem to fall on deaf ears and you decide to take matters
into your hands. Even a child of six can feel that way. They have emotions as well. With an open
mind and heart, I advice you to visit a mental hospital, and if you are allowed, talk to the patients of
their troubles and see how something you consider insignificant can destroy a person’s life.

It’s now in the real world as well. We are getting more and more selfish everyday and we complain
of how ‘people’ are wicked, bad, not worth trusting as if they were aliens or a specific group of
people who are sent out just for the sole purpose of making you miserable, but these people are you
and me.

Why can’t we be considerate?

What would be robbed of us if we said things a little nicer to our friends and family?

What if we learnt to control our emotions and not pour out our frustrations harshly on others?

What if we regarded everyone, both of high status and the lowest, with respect like a driver, a maid,
a cleaner, shit- packer, Dustbin man, Police officer?

What if we left a smile on every face we come across everyday?

What if we listened? Not hearing words, but listening. Pay attention and tried, no matter how far of
from your beliefs it is. No matter how much it doesn’t matter. Just paid a little more attention.

Or we try to push our fellow humans to the light of success and not drag them down from jealousy?

What if we tried a little harder to fight for what we believe in, as long as no one is getting hurt?

Or we fix what we break instead of throwing it away and letting someone else pay for your
mistakes?

What if we were a little nicer and friendlier? Even if we are not sociable, we can still display warmth
to the few we come across. To leave a smile and comfort in every heart we meet everyday?

Would it hurt even more, if everyone tried to be a better person to their neighbours? Help because
we want to and have to but with a more caring attitude, focus on what really and should matter
most, be a little more selfless despite all the hurt it might still bring your way but still do such
because we know that in the end of it all, we are going to a place where we would feel no more pain
and this struggle on Earth would not matter a single bit?

Once I told a friend that the reason why most of us would end up in hell wouldn’t be because of big
issues like murder or rape or aggravated assault, but little things like words, pictures, pride, jealousy,
anger, greed or most commonly, our inability to forgive. Like I said, the way of the Lord is black and
white. You are in or you are out.

I don’t know why I am writing this but I know it is been in my heart and head for a long time. I
have tried in vain, to write it as a writer (I believe a certain blogger can account for that disgraceful
attempt), so I wrote as a human who feels and sees. These are some words I live by

‘A gentle answer quietens anger but a harsh one stirs it up- Proverbs 15:1’

‘This is all that I have learnt: God made us plain and simple, but we have made ourselves very
complicated- Ecclesiastes 7:29’

Ecclesiastes is one of my favourite portions in the Bible. I suggest everyone should take a look at
it and also the book of Sirach (I think it is only available in Bibles with the Deuterocanonical Book,
which I also suggest you read all of as well).

If I can’t teach by my words then I shall use my actions. Either ways, I will not stop talking about this
until you listen.